Before I go any further, let me put it out there that this post is inspired by James Veitch.

Even though I started responding to scam emails before I saw his TED Talk, I have never been nearly as hilarious as him. Probably I’ll reach there someday.

From princes in Nigeria to lottery winners in London, we have received it all. Like everyone else who dreams of miracles, even I have too. How wonderful would it be that you’re scrolling through your email one day and someone out of the blue offers you a million dollars?

Oh well, life’s not a fairy tale and scams are as real as the fact that Manchester United is having a horrible 2018/19 EPL season. But I have always had a funny bone in me and nothing gives me more pleasure than having a laugh.

A couple of weeks back, I received an email which went as below:

 

With all due respect, my names are Arthur Akuien Chol from South Sudan ,I am soliciting for your full cooperation to enable me invest a certain amount in your company/business on a long term basis based on trust and mutual understanding.

 

Just to give you an idea of the sector am looking into investing on are oil sector,Marine Equipment,Electrical Equipment and Supplies,Aircraft Equipment,Supplies & Maintenance,Real Estate,Commodities and Development,Textile,Telecommunication,Construction.

 

You will be totally in charge and i will not interfere in the investment in any way as long as you make returns at the end of every year,the Funds will be moved to you in a secured and confidential way.If you willing to you can meet with my representative either in Kuwait or Qatar.

 

Regards

Hon. Arthur Akuien Chol

 

Holy shit. Someone wants to pay me money! Why would I let the chance go? So there I responded.

 

Hi Arthur,

Good to hear from you. My organization works in Marine Supplies for Textile Equipments in Aircraft Telecommunication Development.

Would that be of interest to you? I am in London right now in a meeting with Margaret Thatcher. Can drop down to Kuwait if necessary.

Many thanks.

 

As you can see, I shared his passion for technology and responded with my field of interest. I so hoped that he would take me seriously.

 

I really appreciate your response and i understand your concerns but am a serious businessman looking to explore new avenues,i suggest you do so background check on me then i can give you more details on how we can work together.Please see the links below

http://www.sudantribune.com/spip.php?article41525

I am an ex government official and am just looking for someone to help me invest the funds in total confidential.kindly give me some details about your nationality and line of business.
If you are interested kindly get back to me with your direct mobile number and i will ask my representative to call you and discuss in details.

 

It broke my heart to see the first sentence in his above email. Maybe it hurt his feelings that him being an ‘ex-government official’ I didn’t take him seriously enough.

Oh, and do go to that link he sent. It’s basically corruption charges against “himself”!

So, in order to reconfirm with him that I was still interested in the deal, I got back in touch.

 

I already told you about our business. It is in Marine Supplies for Textile Equipments in Aircraft Telecommunication Development.

You can contact me while am in Kuwait on +965 2531 5395. My local secretary would be answering the call, so introduce yourself and ask for Mr. Shuck R Sole.

We have some government regulations in securing international funding and are under scrutiny. So you might have to confirm your identity on phone with my secretary before I can talk to you.

 

Just so you know, that phone number is of some police station in Kuwait.

I wonder if he actually called them. Well, there was no mention of it in the next email.

 

Thank you my good brother for your inundated, I will ask my representatives to call you and discuss in detail. Only to inform you that they  funds total are  in cash ($ 62 million) and gold (worth $ 120 million) if I met seriously with my representatives in Kuwait or Qatar.

Hon. Arthur Akuien Chol

 

$62 Million only! That’s insulting. I mean, if you’re anyways going to offer money, rather offer something more. And I made it clear to him that I was not pleased.

 

Is that all? That’s all the funds you have?

Just so you know, my 3rd quarter revenue for 2017 was $2.3 Billion.

This is peanuts for me. Let me know if you have a better offer. Else am telling Margaret.

 

Thinking back, I think I shouldn’t have told him about my revenue. Maybe I could have gotten him to increase his offer. But, oh well.

 

My good brother are you interested or not? let know so that we can go head for good

 

Being the kind-hearted guy I am, I had to accept.

 

Brother! 

I knew it. I knew it I had a brother somewhere in Africa! Do you also have a black mole under your left armpit which itches when you wave?

Yes brother. I’ll go ahead with this. For your sake I will. How can I ever say no to you!

Can you split the $62 Million? Say, $30 Million worth marijuana and rest as $1 coins?

Look forward to meeting you brother.

 

Honestly, I was excited. I mean, wouldn’t you be if you came to know you have a brother in Africa?

Sadly though, he didn’t share my enthusiasm. Sob.

 

go die. ass

 

For some reason, my satisfaction was at its peak. I mean, I have been told by my friends that I can be really annoying with my pathetic sense of humour, but having successfully annoyed someone thousands of miles away on another continent? Well, that’s going down in the record books.

Things weren’t done though. I did get back in touch with him with the following email.

 

Brother.

If I die, who’ll take care of Billy the family goat?

 

But sadly, that was that. My final email returned the following response.

He had deleted his email.

Mission successful.

Now onto my next prey

(Fading music with Evil Laugh)…