My heartfelt condolences to all guys who went out Valentine Shopping this week. Congrats mate! 79.56% of you spent your/your parents money on someone you wouldn’t even be in contact with, this time next year.

The single people – Congrats to you too! You’ll be spending this day, like the same way you do the rest of the year – with peace of mind.

The “recently single people” – Booze up man. You should be freaking celebrating! Start singing “Roses are red, Violets are blue. I am so happy, since I got rid of you”.

Married martyrs – Amen.

 

So, it’s that day of the year again when the environment has an overdose of roses, greeting cards, teddy bears, chocolates and beer. The last one, purely for the unbound ones.

I tried my best smelling the air around, but other than the wonderful smell Kochi Corporation had to offer, I couldn’t find the so called “Love-in-the-air”. Maybe it has something to do with the cold I had last month.

Valentine’s Day, similar to Akshaya Tritiya, am sure has been brought up by marketers to increase sales. It’s a marketing gimmick and everyone’s fallen into it. Chocolates and roses have turned out to be the Holy Grail thanks to these businessmen.

Since I have no night calls to attend to and no 50-word-a-minute responses to give back on Whatsapp, I took my time analyzing the details on why Valentines Day actually sucks.

Here are the top 10 reasons –

 

1. The one sided pressure on the guys is huge

Ever seen a girl losing her peace of mind and pulling her hair out, thinking what to gift her BF for Valentine? No? Neither has anyone. It’s always the guys who have the herculean task of making sure they can read the mind of their GF and come up with the right ingredient of gifts to give her on this fateful day. And no matter what, they can never get it right. All the permutations and combinations never seem to work out in this case.

 

2. Beggar Mode – Starts on Feb 15

With all their year’s savings spent on the gigantic Teddy she so wanted, along with the tasteless candlelit dinner in the 4 star hotel, the guys literally hit the roads from Feb 15th. The next few weeks are spent thriving on water and on interest free loan from their single friends, who all of a sudden look like millionaires.

 

3. No one even has a clue why we celebrate Valentine’s Day

You give me any other day of the year and I’ll give you a reason why it’s celebrated. But Valentine’s Day? What did Saint Valentine do? What about it being the anniversary of a massacre? I presume even Lord Almighty wouldn’t be able to answer this one correctly.

 

 

 

4. All those idiotic Social Media contests

Blech. Don’t even get me started on this. From E-Commerce websites to Mobile Operators to Banks, everyone starts off with their useless hashtag and starts spamming the timelines of anyone and everyone. And when you have had enough of it on Twitter, turn to Facebook and you see zillions of Ads and sponsored posts on “Gift your Valentine this…. Gift your Valentine that..”. And if its not gifting, it’ll be “Post your pic with your Valentine” contest.

No…. Please no. Not anymore of those duck faces again.

 

 

 

5. It’s as if being single is a crime

I don’t have Jesus hanging out with me on Christmas, or Gandhiji playing snooker with me on Oct 2nd. Neither do I have children on Children’s Day. Then what kind of freaking logic is it that I should have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day?

And if all the single guys decide to hang out together, immediately you’re labelled a loser. Plus, having to suffer seeing the couples snuggle in the Movie Theaters and roam the Malls, tagging along each other as if its Kumbh Mela and they’ll get lost.

 

6. Your Exes are already committed. And so is your best friend.

Oh man. This has been voted as the number 1 and number 2 reason, respectively, for cause of depression among single guys on Feb 14th.

While on one side you’d be celebrating freedom, through the corner of your eye you’ll see your Ex laughing away with someone else. Back rushes all the history and flashbacks with a slow violin playing in the background. And whilst the new hero feeds her a spoonful of chocolate Ice Cream, you start cursing the guy on how less good looking he is than you. But, he has scored the goal, while you’re out of the match with a red card.

If you happen to be the rare one with all his friends committed, just sleep over the day. Sleep until the day passes. Imagine this day never happened.

Atleast its a better scenario than your best friend hanging out with your Ex!

 

 

 

7. You can’t even watch TV

This part I truly hate. No matter which channel you tune on this day, all it’ll have is red hearts and romantic songs. Forget entertainment channels. News Channels would be airing interviews with couples, while sports channels would be running between the wickets to get Sachin’s wife to elaborate on their love story. At times like these, only Cartoon Network doesn’t disappoint.

 

8. Listening to your friend’s Valentines Day antics

As if not being able to watch TV wasn’t bad enough, late evening your friend drops in with a 110W smile on his face. Then whole night you have to listen to his story of how he poured two sachets of sugar into her cup of coffee and how she rotated the spoon in a clockwise manner and how he found the scenario to be very romantic. And while you muster up all the courage to control the feelings of strangling him because he’s paying the room rent each month, for the sake of friendship you sit and listen to the whole story.

And people still think Valentines Day is more important than Friendship Day. Hhmph.

 

 

 

9. Cupid is a stupid mascot

A man baby in a diaper with bows and arrows? From which angle does it invoke feelings of romance or love? Creepy is the word if you ask me.

 

10. It renders the other 364 days useless

Even if a guy gifts a girl 728 gifts across the year and says he loves her a kazillion times, but he doesn’t do this on Feb 14th no matter what the reason, its a crime. Atleast that’s what he’s made to feel.

At that particular moment of time, Lakshmi turns to Durga and it’s a confirmed case of painful death for the guy. God bless his soul.

 

People, don’t get me wrong with this post. I seriously do not mean to hurt the sentiments of any guy/girl with this. Your partner is doing a good enough job of it already!

 

– Vijay S Paul

 

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